Reptilectric/ Stitches in your mouth.

Wednesday in the morning, I was alright. I swear. I was adjusted to my life in Abilene. I had a schedule, and I was entertained with the things I did, day by day.

The distraction of work, and always having to do something after work, the normal things I do, washing clothes, washing my car, groceries,.. their all distractions. And take up the abundance of time you have in a small town such as this.

Of course it passes through my mind, when I'm just chilling, doing the things I do. I start to miss home, family and friends. Its been 10 months since I left home, and I swear it seems like I wont get over it. I miss home.

Being in Abilene wasn't really on my mind nor on my wish list when signing up for the USAF,... and when given the opportunity to choose in BMT. I wanted to be in a BIG city. A City life. I wouldn't say jealous but when the others in my class got places like Little Rock, AK. And Some cool city in Florida next to a beach.. What did I expect to feel? :|

And after being stationed in Little Rock AFB. For a little while, Im sorry, but it was a heart breaker to come here. :\ Little Rock was an awesome place... Yes....

So, after Wednesday, I became what didn't want to become, a damn vegetable. I was in pain, I couldn't eat, I could even think right because I was drug ridden. I couldn't function. I stop taking the pain killers even when feeling pain. It helped but I dreaded not being able to do anything. I couldn't go anywhere.. my car collected dust, and I wanted draw and do other things and I couldn't. I got sad. Because I really felt worthless. It was awful. I looked at my self in the mirror and my cheeks were so swollen. I moved my tongue to the back of my mouth with curiosity and with the salty taste of blood, I did not want to be like that no more.

My room became a mess, bloody gauze in the trash. Cups of salt water and juice all over. I was hungry and couldn't eat. My room and i felt like garbage.

The days past, and it was then Friday evening when I realized that I missed home terribly. I realized that I was borderline depressed as of result of feeling helpless. And I realized i detested the way I was living.

I think all those normal distractions that weren't there anymore, all the things that kept my time were diminished through this operation and I fell into this situation, a very dark wasteful place I wasn't used to. And this situation and feelings were only amplified from being here, alone. I didn't have much to count on.

I talk to my friends all the time, and during conversation they tell me the problems they have. Some of the advice I tell them is 'To get mad, and do something about it' if they don't like whats going on. And I ended up following my advice. Simple as that. I got mad as hell.

I, in a sense woke up. I was so pissed off that I felt useless cause of this damn operation. I felt like garbage. Lmao,.. And I didn't want to.

So those couple minutes, i concentrated and completely flipped the way I was feeling and I put the knife to my neck, and was like ' you better do something about it'....

I Started to feel so much better, I was drenched with all these thoughts, ambitions, the most simple things, I just wanted to do them. And coming from such a shallow, low, dark place, I made that silent promise not to ever feel like that.

You can believe I have things accomplish tomorrow. I never lost my goals... but damn mouth surgery brought out the worst. I never wanted to do this.

I was fine before the surgery. I still have all the goals I had before, but now Its quite the unique feeling. Its only enforced everything I want to do now..

Untitled, because it doesn't mean anything.

Its comfortable in my room. And finally the blood has seized filling the gauze.

You know how you seem to get food stuck in the pocket of your cheek? you do like a zig zag motion, You twist and shift your jaw towards the bottom to capture whatever was lost down in that pocket. And sometimes your tongue helps out in the mission, picking off what ever is down there.

I have trouble doing that. I have stitches for right now, so I can't. Its out of habit to do this. When I do though, its a very slight pain, a tugging feeling. Something tells me to stop immediately. The pains killers confuse me a little, because I'm not getting the full affect of pain. Its just a little annoying not being able to eat or move my mouth normally.

Today I, confess.

I drove my car, when maybe I wasn't suppose to. It was to help this kid that works with me.

He's a special one. He has no car and needed a ride to the base hospital for medications. He seems to have some sort of cancer in his body or something, in which he was sedated for about 2 weeks and just retuned to his room. So, base hospital is like 4 and half miles to just to get there. So I said yeah, Extremely weak at my legs, tossing and leaning here and there. It was quite the trip. Shhh.. :p

I picked up more soup along the way so,... Yessss... (Pumped fist, pulling elbow back.) Excited.

Today, I don't even know what I did.

I think I just listened to music & read all day. I had these plans to draw, watch a movie, work on a beat and play some video games. But most of that hasn't happen yet. If your still reading, its definitely the drugs talking to you.

DL.

So the 17 thing is for real. I had Mr. Gomez as a teach for Contemporary History, And I had a couple friends in that class I still talk too. That was the only class I went to that day. It was like 8am when I walked out of Mather and waited on California street for Chico. (note to self, Remember him?)

I waited like 25 minutes. They were a long 25 minutes, my life was on a thread at the moment.

I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Already like 4-5-6 prior arrests and now going court, fml. I was thinking I was going to county and that was it.

I didn't know what was ahead of me.

It's kinds of how I feel right now. Lmao.

I get my wisdom teeth pulled out in about 10hrs. I never done such thing. Laughing gas? Put to sleep?

I was telling my friend Keenan, ' I wanna know what goes on in my life!, I don't want to lose a moment in lifeeeeee! Lol'. Im serious.

This put to sleep shit, What is it? Everyone tells me that it's better that way. No pain.

Fuck that.

I don't want no blur in my memory while a surgeon slits the gums in my mouth. Really.

I went to the pharmacy on base, and they gave me these 4 huge orange, white clicker top tubes full of white pills. All in which have different shapes and names. Four sheets, describing what the pro and con effects were going to be upon taking the pills.

“ So this one is for the pain, this on for the swelling, this one is for nausea, caused by the drugs your taking, and this one... I'm reading, hold on..”

The papers were making me snicker. 'May cause this and that...'Didn't know whether the shit was even going to make feel good. Really.

Sigh. But enough pondering of the unknown. And sounding a bit worried. The reason why I'm speaking of it, because I never been exposed to such procedure. Just as a second hand witness, just through word of mouth. Never been put asleep or anything like that. The thought of someone having to take care of me because I won't be able to function, disturbs and humors me. I don't want to be fucking recorded. Lmao.

I don't want to wake up to a bloody pillow.But whatever. So, you see? The unknown tomorrow.

Mi vida esta en tus manos.

Just gas me up already, and knock me out already.

Door Wide Open.

So here it goes again. This time its something special...

I hope so... Lmao.

I

am

listening to some smooth jams, Got the short cuttt keyboard with the smooth hands.

The mission is to write about what goes on. Really.

Now this doesn't seem like a hard task at all. Really.

But in the past when I typed, it was always hard to be consistent. There were these, things..

And sometimes your in that state of boredom that you don't really know want to do.This time though, I'll brush the tall grass back and run through, and find out what I want to do.

The mission is just to write. And ramble on. Sinnnnnng my song. (Sike. :P) But really, Its to write about nothing, but everything too.

Lets see where I go.