Wednesday in the morning, I was alright. I swear. I was adjusted to my life in Abilene. I had a schedule, and I was entertained with the things I did, day by day.
The distraction of work, and always having to do something after work, the normal things I do, washing clothes, washing my car, groceries,.. their all distractions. And take up the abundance of time you have in a small town such as this.
Of course it passes through my mind, when I'm just chilling, doing the things I do. I start to miss home, family and friends. Its been 10 months since I left home, and I swear it seems like I wont get over it. I miss home.
Being in Abilene wasn't really on my mind nor on my wish list when signing up for the USAF,... and when given the opportunity to choose in BMT. I wanted to be in a BIG city. A City life. I wouldn't say jealous but when the others in my class got places like Little Rock, AK. And Some cool city in Florida next to a beach.. What did I expect to feel? :|
And after being stationed in Little Rock AFB. For a little while, Im sorry, but it was a heart breaker to come here. :\ Little Rock was an awesome place... Yes....
So, after Wednesday, I became what didn't want to become, a damn vegetable. I was in pain, I couldn't eat, I could even think right because I was drug ridden. I couldn't function. I stop taking the pain killers even when feeling pain. It helped but I dreaded not being able to do anything. I couldn't go anywhere.. my car collected dust, and I wanted draw and do other things and I couldn't. I got sad. Because I really felt worthless. It was awful. I looked at my self in the mirror and my cheeks were so swollen. I moved my tongue to the back of my mouth with curiosity and with the salty taste of blood, I did not want to be like that no more.
My room became a mess, bloody gauze in the trash. Cups of salt water and juice all over. I was hungry and couldn't eat. My room and i felt like garbage.
The days past, and it was then Friday evening when I realized that I missed home terribly. I realized that I was borderline depressed as of result of feeling helpless. And I realized i detested the way I was living.
I think all those normal distractions that weren't there anymore, all the things that kept my time were diminished through this operation and I fell into this situation, a very dark wasteful place I wasn't used to. And this situation and feelings were only amplified from being here, alone. I didn't have much to count on.
I talk to my friends all the time, and during conversation they tell me the problems they have. Some of the advice I tell them is 'To get mad, and do something about it' if they don't like whats going on. And I ended up following my advice. Simple as that. I got mad as hell.
I, in a sense woke up. I was so pissed off that I felt useless cause of this damn operation. I felt like garbage. Lmao,.. And I didn't want to.
So those couple minutes, i concentrated and completely flipped the way I was feeling and I put the knife to my neck, and was like ' you better do something about it'....
I Started to feel so much better, I was drenched with all these thoughts, ambitions, the most simple things, I just wanted to do them. And coming from such a shallow, low, dark place, I made that silent promise not to ever feel like that.
You can believe I have things accomplish tomorrow. I never lost my goals... but damn mouth surgery brought out the worst. I never wanted to do this.
I was fine before the surgery. I still have all the goals I had before, but now Its quite the unique feeling. Its only enforced everything I want to do now..
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